Friday, June 17, 2011

Rodney Resigns Due To Scandal

Inappropriate photo leaked to the public

I apologize for the distraction that I have created.

About 2 years ago, I went on this very same website and declared my intention to answer a higher calling. I took a chance and entered the world of community service. There is no higher honor in a subdivision than being sent by your neighbors to represent them.

I admit to being confused. I had no idea that the things I do every day could be construed as so titillating and inappropriate. But since the designer handbag dogs across the street will not let this go, I suppose I should examine my behavior and perhaps seek treatment.



Perhaps bedroom activities should remain between a dog and his human's pajamas.

The middle class story of Michigan is my story, and I'm very proud of that. My mother lived with a schoolteacher for 10 years. Though he had limited education, my father pooped near that neighborhood school on his morning walks. That's how they met.



How is having a ball or two in your mouth controversial?

It is time that I admit I have engaged in inappropriate exchanges with birds who have tweeted at me from neighborhood trees. This led to sharing intimate photos of myself with them, as well as with a few of the neighborhood bunny rabbits and kitty cats over the past few years. Perhaps I sniffed in a few places I shouldn't have, but it was all innocent banter, and I assumed these exchanges would remain private. Based on their various wing spans, territory acquisition, and hunting abilities, I assumed they were all past their respective juvenile stages, but who really knows? Crap.





I admit that I lied before when I said that this drink had been photoshopped in and that I had been hacked. So I like to get festive now and then. Is that a crime?



Though I am not leaving Crooked Ears, it is time I left my selfless political aspirations behind. I will return to a life of lazy entitlement so that my humans and I can continue to heal from the damage I have caused.



This photo is a bit blurry, so it cannot be proven with certitude that this is me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Brush Me Like It's My Birthday

I am a mature 4 year old as of today.
In celebration, I've decided to give something back to the community.


I wanted to contribute in a way that could benefit others. What do I have enough of that I could donate a portion without missing it? What, aside from my intellect and handsomeness, could bring happiness to my neighborhood? After giving it much thought, I realized that the spaces under the furniture and in the corners of the house really don't have much use for my excess hair; why not make it available for community use?

I've noticed some of the locals collecting twigs and handy pieces of string to make their homes more comfortable. Why not use something more luxurious? Come winter I may need to hold onto it, but right now it's fair game for anyone who wants it.

This has nothing to do with my parents threatening to shave me. It is purely voluntary.
Happy Birthday to me!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

My Mother is Completely Inept

Can't a guy get a pedicure around here without bleeding to death? You have asked me for my trust and, foolishly, I have given it.

I was leery at first, but I thought we had this procedure figured out after three years.

NOW THIS!

You carelessly hack part of my limb off, then want me to give you my other paw so you can "finish the job"? I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly over the sound of my life trickling away.

Is this some kind of sick payback for getting unidentified brown stains on your pillow while you were at work?

I hope you are prepared to stay home and spoon feed me while I convalesce because I will no doubt need a blood transfusion and full body cast when you are through.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Rodney Vs The Toothbrush

I do not like the look of this device.

Dental hygiene? Gingivitis? Trench Mouth? These are not real words; your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me.

It's supposed to go where? Just because I ate that loose concrete from the basement floor that one time does not mean I will put just anything in my mouth.

Wait...Why do I smell chicken? I suppose a closer inspection would not go amiss...

Zeus and Apollo! It is a delicious celebration of poultry in a tube!


Can you still manage to clean my teeth while I desperately try to lick all of it from the brush? Well, try harder because I'm not going to stop. Ever. Not even years from now when you're still trying to get me to grasp the concept of this activity.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Rodney Vs. The Refrigerator

video
Will I never again enjoy a peaceful moment? I have lived in harmony with this appliance for two years; now, the ever-dormant device on it's once peaceful facade has sprung to life! Why can't people lick water from a bowl on the floor like normal creatures? Must they have combative ice that propels itself across the room? I don't need a frozen dagger to the eyeball, thank you. Also, the path through the kitchen should be clear in the event a quick get-a-way is in order. Slipping on a stray ice cube and landing in the garbage can is not my preferred modus operandi.

If anyone needs me, I will be under the bed.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

A New Era

I have decided to run for office. After consulting with my chief aid and sounding board (my sister, Zoe), it has become clear that I am meant to do great things. Not just in the world of canine mystery and crime, but for the community at large.

What kind of office, you ask? I haven't decided yet, but some ideas I had were Emperor of Dogpark Development, Litterbox Snackbowl Committee President (probably falls under Health and Canine Services), or Beef Jerky Czar. But Zoe says it doesn't really matter. "As long as you have an inspiring image and slogan," she said, "the right opportunity to serve your fellow citizens will come to you." At her suggestion, I left the details up to her and she has provided this iconic image and slogan.

The photo of me clearly shows my intelligence and stoic demeanor, and the term 'Dingbat', Zoe explained, denotes a born leader of rousing omnipotence. I want to inspire excitement and confidence in my constituents, and Zoe assures me that this image was designed with that in mind.

My gratitude for her efforts in plastering these posters all over town is overflowing. I only hope that I am able to live up to the high standard this image conveys and I hereby assure my fellow citizens that I will work tirelessly to that end.

Yours in service,
Rodney

**Update**

It has been discovered that a subliminal message lurks within Rodney's campaign poster. When extracted using high-tech gadgetry (similar to what one would see in a movie circa 1980), the image below presents itself.













"Nonsense. Just keep looking at the poster."-Zoe

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year and Happy Birthday To Me

I, Zoe, am age 5 as of today - 1 January 2009I reached the milestone age of 5 today and would like to take some time to reflect on my life thus far.
Here are some points of note:

~Leaving the Royal Oak Animal Shelter in August 2004. The people were nice but they named me "Reba". This is something I have worked very hard to forget.
~Playing ball in my back yard for the first time.~Destroying some fun toys:


~Enthusiastically learning to swim:


















~Summitting Mountains:
~Okay, there were a few indignities:
But still, lots of memorable stuff.
~Fun times in the car:~The surprise arrival, by stork, of my "little" brother:~Camping:











~Playing in the snow:There are many things I did not include because time is limited (Rodney needs the computer), but someday I would like to recount more of my life story. For instance: more detail of meeting the people who would become my family when I was at the shelter (and was flea-bitten and embarrassingly shabby), the day my left ear decided to stand straight up, the time the lure of adventure enticed me through a weak spot in the fence and lead me down the street for mischief, my impressive performance in "manners" class at the Michigan Humane Society, plus many other things.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!