Monday, September 1, 2008

Rodney Vs. The Balloon

I am very upset.

My humans came home from shopping today and showered me with praise for being a Good Boy. You see, I used to have trouble on my own in the house when they left. I was young and unsure of myself and, due to a few incidents in which I destroyed some household items, I decided it was in everyone's best interest that I retire to my den when left without human companionship. The humans call it a crate but it's really very homey and I feel comfortable there. Although I have the pleasure of Zoe's company, in the beginning I found the almost empty house a bit overwhelming and - ok I'll admit it - frightening. Do not scoff! I was a mere pup.

Needless to say, I have matured. In recent months I have begun to trust my humans with little tests where I allow them to leave me in the house, outside of my den for small intervals of time. Gradually, I have encouraged them to lengthen the duration of these so-called Big Boy Tests in order to prove that they can trust my command of the situation.Today, however, they have grievously injured my trust! I was informed that as a "reward" a present awaited me on my doggie bed. I eagerly trotted to happily receive my entitled gift. Instead, what I found was an unnerving, levitating agent of the macabre!

There, floating as if filled with some kind of sinister power of the most evil sorcery, was a terrible, bulbous orange fiend! My face fell and I was filled with wariness.

What is this devilry?!

Zoe, with her customary brashness, offered to check the suspicious entity out for me. After stampeding the object and assailing it with a paw, she declared it appeared to be safe but that I should perhaps observe caution. However, I felt there was a chance she was not being entirely truthful and was, perhaps, disgruntled at the clear absence of any gifts bearing her name.

Nevertheless, she encouraged me to approach, and I acquiesced - not without a few growls of warning, however. I wanted the unsettling life form to know that I was aware of its shiftiness and would not be taken by surprise.
Oh, the Horrors! I was wrong! It bobbed unnaturally toward me and I was no match for its cunning magic! I was a good boy - this is how I'm rewarded?! At this point I may have become a bit unhinged; I really don't remember.Hearing my distress, the humans came rushing into the room and apprehended the villainous beast. I fled and would not be swayed by their attempt at deception by encouraging Zoe to fraternize with the Orange Demon.

"Show your brother that there is nothing to be afraid of, Zoe," was their blatantly twisted plan. I will stay out in the hall where it is safe, thank you. And Zoe didn't exactly look thrilled to be shackled to this psychotic reward that was originally and sadistically meant for me. Have they gone insane?

How am I expected to live in a house where demons float freely about, lurking around every corner? Nowhere is safe! How will I sleep with this malevolent nightmare lying in wait? How?!

The humans admitted their extremely faulty judgment in choosing a suitable gift and I received an apology, but I am not yet fully appeased. Next time I expect something much more dignified like a squeaky toy or some peanut butter smeared on something.

1 comment:

cedarkayak said...

This is hilarious!!! One of my friends used to have a recurring nightmare where a bubble would appear floating in her room. She claims she would always awake screaming.