My friend Fifi (of San Francisco) recently sent me a copy of Training People by a dog named Tess who lives in Helena, Montana with a few expertly-trained human beings. Although I have fully mastered my humans and have no intention of getting new ones any time soon (they have a few good years left), it doesn’t hurt to refresh oneself with some tried and true techniques. Fifi is currently utilizing Tess’s methods to deal with her people who are showing resistance to her right to eat things like expensive books (human-oriented) and footwear.A helpful handbook for those who are just starting out and have yet to master the basics of human ownership, Training People builds itself around a simple concept: Humans have been bred to cater to dogs; we must simply work through their reluctance to embrace our superiority.
Topics include:
• Choosing a suitable human based on their appearance and attitude
• How to avoid eating food you don’t like
• Discipline and positive encouragement of good human behavior based on physical cues (tail wagging, etc.)
• Genital inhibition in humans
Perhaps the most impressive element of this book is the author’s coverage of The Intent Stare – a technique at which I am so highly skilled that I’m ashamed I did not write this book myself!
I highly recommend Training People: How to Bring Out the Best in Your Human to any dog who is thinking about embarking on the simultaneously frustrating and rewarding journey of human ownership. By learning to work through the many personality defects, behavioral issues, and intelligence shortcomings in people, dogs will be forever rewarded with their unconditional devotion and companionship.
3 comments:
Dear Zoe,
Glad to see you liked TRAINING PEOPLE--I do, too. But then, I wrote it!
Many humans seem to enjoy it, which just goes to show people are unpredictable.
With warm wags,
Tess of Helena
Tess,
Wow - I'm flattered that you found my humble blog! It's nice to hear that there are some humans out there who get it and are receptive to your theories. It's only a matter of time before they are all under our control and evolution is complete!
-Zoe
Dear Zoe, i had hoped that you wouldn't be offended by the book. Of course, i KNEW you had mastered these techniques, i was thinking some of them might rub off on Rodney if he were to spend some time with the book. things are going quite well here in SF, my human is getting better day by day. It goes to show that positive reinforcement really is the way. Gone are the days of shock collars and feces tossing, negative reinforcement really just doesn't do the trick. Power on, great leader!! Death to Dysons!!
fifi
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